I know you're scared. I wish I could tell you that goes away, but it doesn't. What I can tell you is that you can do this. College sounded fun, but I know deep down you weren't ready. Athens, West Virginia seemed like a lame place to be in. And, while we are being honest, Concord University wasn't your 1st, 2nd, or even 3rd choice. The job you are about to be thrown into will be the most rewarding job of your life, and I know you don't believe me now but I promise you it will be.I know the thought of giving birth terrifies you. That is normal. Here is a little spoiler alert, that baby inside you IS NOT coming out of your vagina. That baby is a girl. She is a perfect gift from God and you are going to love her more than you've ever loved anyone or anything in your life. She has 10 tiny fingers, and 10 toes so stop worrying. Changing diapers is never going to be your thing but lucky for you, her dad doesn't mind it!
I know you feel judged. My heart aches for the pain you feel for thinking you let your family down by getting pregnant right out of high school by a guy you barely know. I know you feel the sting from the words an ex told you about how you'd, "end up pregnant and stuck in this town like a loser." You are not a loser. I know how jealous you are of your friends who did go away to college, and I know how disconnected with them you feel. Some of those friends you thought you'd always have do fade away. That is a part of growing up. Don't be sad; you do make more friends. The confusion you feel about where your place in the world is will soon make sense. You'll forget it from time to time but that sweet baby will remind you. You couldn't wait to grow up and be out on your own but I know how now that it is finally here, you are afraid. You feel ill prepared and that is okay! Most first time mothers feel that no matter how old they are...but I know that doesn't make you feel better.
A white picket fence, right? That is how you pictured your future: a successful job, a rich and handsome husband, a great big house with a pretty white fence around it. What if I told you that you get all that? Your successful job is being someone special's mom. Your husband is handsome and he is rich in love and hard work. Your house is big enough for the 3 of you and that white fence? The white fence keeps all your horses in. Horses that will provide you, your daughter, and your husband with a dream and a vision. You are going to go through some really rough times, but there is going to be plenty of good, genuine happiness in your life.
Your family and his family, love you. They do. And you know what, they adore that baby. She is spoiled rotten, but she is so loved. So are you. There is a lot going on in your brain, shoot...there is a lot going on period. Life feels messy. Baby, it is going to get A LOT messier. Have faith, it does all work out in the end.
You won't always feel this scared or uncertain. There are going to be things about motherhood that are hard for you, but there are also going to be things you totally rock. You are a really supportive mom. Your daughter talks to you about things and you listen; you're like a really good listener. You give her advice you wish someone had given you. You let her choose her own hobbies and it turns out, she's really good at a lot of stuff. When she pukes you are going to cry...not only because you feel bad for her but you are totally going to feel bad for yourself too. Here's another helpful tip: dad doesn't mind cleaning up her puke either. #winning
Motherhood is constantly wondering if you're doing the right things. Your kid drinks soda and gets cavities. She also eats ramen noodles, cereal, and pickles like they are going out of style. She breaks her arm at school on the playground and you end up not believing her because...another spoiler alert...she is a bit of a drama queen. She listens to rap music in her dad's truck. She tells people exactly what she thinks even if it embarrasses the crap out of you. However, she also offered her snack to a little girl on her bus that told her she doesn't have food at home. She is as her teachers say, "everyone's friend." She loves to get people gifts. She prays for the people and animals she loves almost every night. She tells you you are skinny while you stand in the mirror in your bra and underwear opting for leggings because your jeans show all your fat rolls. When you feel ugly without your makeup on she tells you you're pretty. She's a pretty great kid.
There is always going to be someone out there who makes you feel like you are a failure because you are: a pregnant 18 year old, didn't go to college, knew your baby daddy a month before getting pregnant, no job, no driver's license (don't worry, you get it when you're 21), and all the other things they can use to make you feel less than them. But I know you. You are smart, and wise beyond your years, you had an instant connection to your baby daddy and he turns into your best friend, your anxiety and fear of driving tries to limit you, but YOU DO eventually drive. I know you are sensitive. I know you struggle with anxiety and depression. I know that people's judgments and careless words effect you. You get strong. You get tough. You still have anxiety and fears but you learn how to slay certain doubts and worry. You are a really good mom.
Always with love,
Me
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